Sunscreen song - changed and improved
Sunscreen
A few words of advice, from someone who's
obviously a genius - scary but it
all sounds tooo familiar.
Drink Alcohol.
If I could offer you only one tip for the
future, alcohol would be it.
The long-term benefits of alcohol have been
consistently misunderstood by
scientists, whereas the rest of my advice
has no basis more reliable than
my
own
drunken experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your alcohol
tolerance.
Oh, never mind.
You will not understand the power and beauty
of your alcohol tolerance
until it's faded.
But trust me, in 20 years,
you'll look back at photos of yourself puking
in a gutter and recall in a
way you can't grasp now how much alcohol
you drank and how fabulous it
really was.
You are not as sick as you imagine.
Don't worry about where the next beer is
coming from.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective
as trying to pull a page
three model after 15 pints of Stella.
The real troubles in your life are apt to
be things that never crossed
your
drink-addled mind, like the unexpected lack
of ale in the fridge on some
idle Tuesday.
Drink one thing every day that scares you.
Sing badly.
Be reckless when buying other people drinks.
Don't put up with people who are reckless
when buying yours.
Gargle.
Don't waste your time on shandy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're
behind.
The race is long and, in the end, it's only
to the bar.
Make up compliments you received. Return
the insults.
If you don't succeed in doing this drink
more beer now.
Keep your old ring pulls. Throw away your
old cans.
Wretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know when
you might dry-out in you life.
The most interesting people I know didn't
know at 22 when they would
sober
up.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds
I know still haven't.
Get plenty of kebabs.
Don't be too kind to your liver. You'll
hardly miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll pull, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll get some bird up the duff,
maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll enter rehab at 40,
maybe you'll dance the nude conga at your
75th University Reunion.
Whatever you do, congratulate yourself far
too much and berate others.
Your choices are half alcohol influenced.
So are everybody else's.
Enjoy someone else's body.
Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid
of it or of what the lads might
think of it.
It's probably the only time you'll ever
pull.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it
but on the street with a can of
Special Brew.
Ignore the directions, don't ever follow
them.
Do not read beauty magazines, just cut out
the pictures and put them on
your wall.
Get to know your parents. You never know
when you'll have to tap them for
some cash.
Be nice to your barman. They're your best
link to the bar and the person
most likely to stop you getting your head
kicked by a bouncer when
paralytic
in the future.
Understand that favourite drinks come and
go, but with a precious
flammable
few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in strength
and consistency, because the
older
you get, the harder it will be to neck ales
like when you were young.
Live in London once, but leave before it
makes you a ponce.
Live in Liverpool once, but leave before
everything you own gets stolen.
Dribble.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Beer prices will rise. Bouncers will
throw you out. You, too, will get a
hangover.
And when you do, you'll fantasise that when
you were young,
prices were reasonable, bouncers couldn't
catch you, and hangovers were
NEVER as bad as this.
Respect alcoholics.
Don't expect anyone else to buy you a beer.
Maybe you'll have a huge overdraft. Maybe
you'll have a wealthy bird.
But you never know when either one might
stop getting you pissed.
Don't mess too much with alcopops or by
the time you're 25 you will look
like a faggot.
Be careful whose cheap booze you buy, but
be patient with those who
supply
it.
Cheap booze is a form of rip-off.
Dispensing it is a way of fishing old stock
from the bin, wiping it off,
painting over the sell-by date and re-selling
it for more than it's