(with
thanks to the London Times and various other worthy publications)
(Not
including news on the British political situation, which can be found
elsewhere)
A LETTER
TO THE EDITOR "... there is absolutely no fundamental difference
whatsoever
between 'living' beings and automata. Our heads clearly contain
something
more complicated than punched cards, but the principle, I am
sure,
is the same; if it were understood, it would be possible to change a
human
from a vicious killing machine into a lover of flower-arranging - and
vice
versa! To 'transplant' behaviours (and personality??) from one person
to another.
To create new modes of thought, and even of belief. What
awesome,
terrible, God-like power!! Yours faithfully, Mr Charles Darwin."
BOATS
WITH A BANG Renowned inventor Dr Sir William S Bang has turned
his
explosive
talents to the aquatic field, with a new rocket-powered boat.
Early
tests, on Coniston Water, proved remarkably unsafe, but the
Hamilton-Bang
Corporation are confident they have hammered out the bulk of
the
stability problems. Sir William has also adopted a young lad, Master
Arthur
Sixpence, a twelve-year-old Leeds schoolboy, to be the heir to his
sizeable
fortune, setting a fine example to childless plutocrats the nation
over.
BERLIN
HONOURS HEROES Regent von Essen has been granting high honours
to
those
who took part in the anti-TickTockMan campaign of 1881, including
Prussia's
highest decoration, the Iron Cross, to plucky Briton Lord
Jonathon
Hazelmere, 'for his intelligence work and heroic deeds', and the
second-highest
Knight's Cross (together with the title of Landgraf) to
Byzantine
Magister Militum Niels Graaf and to Prussian commanding officer
General
Konzensus.
MORE
RED DUST PUZZLES LONDON Another rain of mysterious red dust
this
year,
covering the West End and Mayfair. Scientists confess themselves
baffled.
TEMPLARS
SQUISHED Among the casualties of the sporadic struggle between
the
Army and forces loyal to the Southville government have been the
Knights
Templar, whose historic castle at Llandovmyvarthers was utterly
destroyed
and all within it killed. Another target, surely accidental, was
noted
philanthropist Dame Elizabeth DuQuesne-Black, who has been fortunate
to survive
four separate assaults on her London house by rag-tag mercenary
regiments.
'SONNY'
DELIGHT [been waiting to use that for 17 years! - ed.] Renowned
international
playboy Mr Sunil 'Sonny' Laing has made a full recovery from
the
debilitating sickness that last year confined him to a wheelchair,
thanks
apparently to the help of Native American tribal medicine-men, and
of course
that saint in human form Baron von Poelzig.
PRINCESS
TO WED Princess Arabella of Liechtenstein, voted 'Most
Fairy-tale
Princess in Europe (Not Counting Princesses Mary, Alice or
Kathy)'
by readers of How Do You Do? magazine, has announced that she is to
marry
the enigmatic Frenchman-turned-Italian Senator Comte Henri 'Napol'
Bertrand,
renowned inventor and recluse.
THE DESCENT
OF DARWIN Renowned and controversial scientist Mr Charles
Darwin
has been courting further opprobrium with his new thesis that humans
are
nothing more than complicated machines. A series of increasingly outré
lectures
have been marred by ugly scenes, in which scandalized listeners
protest
that Mr Darwin seems to be ignoring the existence of the soul,
which
surely means humans are far more than mere minds and thus cannot be
explained
purely mechanistically. (from our Science and Religion
Correspondent)
*** PEACE
IN FRANCE? Europe breathed a sigh of relief to learn that the
warring
French forces are finally negotiating, with a political settlement
looking
increasingly likely now that both sides have worn themselves into
the
ground. Perhaps the appointment of the infant Napoleon V, nephew of the
current
Emperor, signals a thawing in relations, but the sight of Imperial
and
Revolutionary Frenchmen sitting down to talk together, with only the
minimum
of shouting and hand-waving, was a heartening one.
ITALY
CONDEMNS COUP The Italian government has condemned the military
coup
in Britain, while expressing admiration for the bloodless manner in
which
it was accomplished, and has called for the reinstatement of
duly-elected
leaders.
*** KAISER
STILL MISSING The search continues for Kaiser Wilhelm, and in
his
absence the regency of Prussia has been assumed by his cousin
Chancellor
von Essen, in accordance with the Kaiser's own wishes - this has
rather
piqued his son, also Wilhelm, whose supporters at the Berlin Court
had
been angling for him to assume the supreme power. Given that Count von
Essen
has now spent a year and a half trying to find the Kaiser, without
any
form of success, unkind tongues are starting to suggest that he knows
his
cousin to be dead, and has only failed to declare it so because that
would
mean relinquishing the throne to young Kronprinz Wilhelm.
*** MESSIAH
RISES ANEW The new Messiah, slain last year by forces
mysterious,
has risen from the grave, this time taking rather longer about
it than
he / she did in his / her incarnation as Jesus. Initially seen
disguised
as a gardener, later wandering the roads about Emmaus, the risen
Christ
was swiftly acknowledged by the local churches and, as though to
prove
that the Old Testament does not have all the best stories, parted the
Red
Sea, causing considerable disruption to shipping.
BETROTHED
PRINCESS DISAPPEARS Princess Arabella of Liechtenstein, soon
to
be married
to Comte Bertrand, has been snatched from her palace by a
ribbon-bedecked
army of steam men, scant days before the wedding. However,
from
the lack of alarm evinced in her circles, it seems clear that this is
a wheeze
on the part of her publicity-shy fiancé, who no doubt intends the
wedding
to take place at one of his secret bases - which news will greatly
disappoint
the bon ton of Europe, who had hoped to make it the social event
of the
decade.
*** COMMUNISTS
TOPPLE The Russian government has fallen to a
military-backed
revolution, led by the new Monarchist Party. Increasing
turmoil
in the collectivist utopia established so many years ago by
visionary
John Lenin had made the process of governance nigh-on impossible,
with
distribution, infrastructure and civil service utterly snarled.
Eventually
a collection of high-ranking military officials decided enough
was
enough, and after only a brief period of house-to-house fighting
replaced
the Communist government. The Monarchist Party have brought back
Grand
Duke Andrej Romanov, cousin of the late Tsar, and plan to have him
crowned
as soon as order has been re-established throughout this vast
country.
As for the average Russian peasant, he is probably happier being
told
what to do, rather than taking responsibility for his own decisions.
LUNATIC
CAUGHT Mr Tamworth-Smith, Home Secretary under the old government
and
still with some control over the police force, announced that the
escaped
lunatic Miss Sarah Savage had been caught and returned to custody.
He praised
the efforts of two private individuals, Mrs Aramintha Savage (no
relation)
and Mr Sidney Weaver, the noted radical MP, in removing this
dangerous
individual from the streets.
MISSION
TO MARS This summer saw a sizeable mission to our neighbour
planet,
led by the Italian government in a fleet of new MA-II class ships
constructed
by Lord Maguire. Byzantine troops and Prussian observers were
also
present.
What response was gained from our tentacular chums has not
been
announced, but the deputation certainly turned around and came home
pretty
sharply.
CIVIL
DEFENCE IN ITALY The Italian government has instigated a
comprehensive
programme of precautions against war, including stockpiles of
food,
blankets and the like. The Ministero della Verita was at pains to
point
out that these were merely sensible precautions, not panic measures.
RENOWNED
PHILANTHROPIST DIES The President of the British Red Cross,
Dame
Elizabeth
DuQuesne-Black, has died at her London home, in an accidental
fire
which consumed the dwelling utterly. This remarkable lady, friend to
wounded
soldiers and to thought-untreatable madmen alike, will be greatly
missed
by the many whose lives she brightened. 'We will not see her like
again,'
said international Red Cross leader Mr Carl Coltrane, wiping away a
tear.
*** MOSCOW,
BERLIN PACT The new Monarchist government in Russia has
wasted
no time in securing alliance with its mighty neighbour, the Prussian
Empire.
Prussian advisers are helping with the restoration and updating of
the
Russian economy and army, and a military pact has been agreed. In
return,
Russia has transferred sovereignty of its German-speaking areas,
including
the enclave of Königsberg, to Prussia. International observers
are
opining that this new friendship between these two giants can only be
seen
as a threat to their smaller (but still of course very large)
neighbours,
the Ottoman and the Byzantine Empires.
GABOON
REPLANTS FRANCE The renowned circus impresario has scattered
grass-
and flower seed over the devastated hills and valleys of France, in
a gesture
of amity designed to help that troubled land back towards
normalcy.
NEW PRINCE
FOR SPAIN This year saw the birth of young Prince Alfonso,
to
the
Infanta Maria and Mr Peter Darkenford. The child is second heir to the
throne,
after Crown Prince Ferdinand. The simple Spanish folk greeted his
birth
with much delight, and are no doubt pleased to see Mr Darkenford
deploying
some of his many talents on their behalf, this year rising high
in the
councils of government: as his other son is heir to the French
throne,
it might be thought that his attentions would be diverted from
sleepy
little Spain.
DARWIN
TAKES IT EASY Mr Charles Darwin, every devout Christian's current
favourite
hate figure, is currently spending some time in the Priory
rest-home,
in a darkened room with soothing music playing. Staff described
him
as 'having a nice lie-down'.
BRITONS
CAPTURED While travelling on business in France, plucky Britons
Captain
Percy Blakely and Mr Caspar Augustus Fielding, a former police
detective,
were captured by a band of ruffians and held to ransom. Captain
Blakely
was able to make his escape, but Mr Fielding was not released until
the
end of the year. The Times can only hope that the new rapprochement in
France
will see an end to such unbridled lawlessness.
BYZANTINES
IN AFRICA? Troops of the Byzantine Empire, under the personal
command
of the Magister Militum, have been reported in central Africa, in
the
vicinity of the ancient ruined city of G'harne. The Times can only hope
that
this does not signify imperialist adventurism in a region which,
although
not hitherto colonized, is clearly within Britain's zone of
influence.
NEW SCHOLARSHIP
FOR LOWLANDERS Lady Alicia Douglas-Maxwell, celebrated
Scots
philanthropist, has announced the funding of the Teviotdale Bursary,
a prize
for Hawick boys and girls who excel at school but cannot afford
further
education. The fund will cover tuition fees and a maintenance grant
at any
university in the United Kingdom. While applauding Lady Alicia's
worthy
motives, The Times cannot but wonder if it is wise to upset the
natural
order in such a fashion. How well will the child of a Border
shepherd
fit in at Oxford or Cambridge, alongside the blue-blooded future
leaders
of Empire? Or, if the experience should change this child, how will
it grow
to view its parents? Surely all reasonable people accept that each
of us
is born to a particular station in life, and that to attempt to go
beyond
its bounds can only lead to misery.
AIRS
AND GRACES Mr Henri von Giffard, the dynamic Prussian, has
launched
a heavier-than-air
passenger and freight service, using his Phoenix
'aeroplanes'.
Flights are to be offered all across Europe, with ticket
prices
expected to be rather high until demand grows. But can it compete
with
the romance of sea travel? This remains to be seen, although the
presence
of minor European royals and other celebrities at the service's
Berlin
launch suggests that Mr von Giffard hopes so.
LIGHT
WEAPONRY Lord Maguire has developed another new wonder, a sword
made
entirely out of light - at the touch of a button on the hilt, a
four-foot
long beam of light blue energy shoots out, accompanied by an
intense
buzzing, and a vicious sizzling as it cuts through the air.
Apparently
it is partly based upon Martian heat-ray technology. His
Lordship
stressed that the weapon was t be used only in self-defence.
POET
SLAIN Mr Lance Carruthers, noted melancholic poet, has died
at his
London
home, torn apart as though by some wild beast. The manuscript of his
latest
work, an epic entitled 'All Things Weighed in the Balance', on the
subject
of natural justice, was found beside his body.
OH, FOR
A BEAKER FULL OF THE WARM SOUTH This year saw a big campaign
to
promote
Italian food across Northern Europe, with the new Italian Export
Marketing
Board ensuring that a sun-dried tomato smothered in balsamic
vinegar
and grated Parmesan was on every plate, under the rather catchy
slogan
'Bring a little Mediterranean sunshine into your life!' Verdicts
have
been mixed, with Mrs Britain proclaiming loudly that a riot of
delicate
and subtle flavours may be all very well, but it scarcely compares
with
the traditional virtues of the English diet of boiled stodge and flab
- and,
besides, Italian food is soooo greasy.
WATER
SALTIRE RAISES EYEBROWS The appearance in the Firth of Forth,
just
after
dawn on St Andrew's Day, of a gigantic diagonal cross rising out of
the
water, has stirred the hearts of many a Scot - the phenomenon, depicted
in many
ancient sources, is thought to be a natural one related to current
and
tide effects.
CHOCS
AWAY The London house of the former Home Secretary, Mr James
Derothshire,
has been devastated by a freak rain of molten chocolate,
thought
by puzzled meteorologists to have been swept up by a tornado
passing
over a chocolate factory, or some such. Fortunately Mr Derothshire
was
away at the time, and Mrs Derothshire managed to eat her way out.
FIREWORKS
GO BANG Dr Sir William S Bang was disconsolate after a tragic
accident
at a firework display led to the deaths of twenty people. 'We have
the
strictest safety precautions against such incidents,' protested a
company
spokesman, after it was revealed that the accidental explosion was
caused
by a red-hot coal being carelessly tossed into an open box of
fireworks.
STONE
PUTS YOU TO SLEEP Discredited scientist Dr William Stone has
shown
that
not all his inventions are about throwing people out of work or
accidentally
killing them, with a new pneumatic system of anaesthetic
delivery
which has revolutionized procedures in operating theatres up and
down
the land. Rates of death under anaesthesia have halved under the Stone
system,
the grateful Royal College of Surgeons announced. Mr Stone also
announced
his marriage, to the widowed Mrs Emma Peel, in a private ceremony
without
publicity.
AN ADVERTISEMENT
Tired of long sea journeys or train travel? Air Giffard
will
be able to take you to your destination quickly and in comfort. Need
freight
delivered from one city to another? Air Giffard can carry it for
you.
FRENCH
PRIEST KILLED Parisian minister Père Chaipte, confessor
to the
titled
heads of the city, was found stabbed to death in his confession box
this
Easter. The wood of the box had been mysteriously gnawed, as though by
some
large rodent or mustelid.
*** MARS
ATTACKS! New Year's Eve dawned to the shocking news that a
giant
Martian
invasion fleet waited poised in our upper atmosphere, ready to
unleash
hideous death upon Earth's teeming multitudes. Is this the truth
behind
the Green mask of friendliness? Or is it some hideous
misunderstanding
over a plate of calamari? Earth looks to its leaders to
defend
it!