(with thanks to the London Times and various other worthy publications)
AN ADVERTISEMENT
Announcing a work from the New School of Theatre...
'Ants
and The Man', a new script by Mr Sidney Weaver. Steeped in New
Realism,
Mr Weaver's play is as fresh as the Headlines. Ants and The Man
follows
the fortunes of several men coerced into the Austrian army and
forced
to fight for an unjust cause. Drama, Mystery and high Tension ensue
as they
try to extract themselves from the terrible clutches of their
Brutish
commander 'The Man' and return to their homes alive. Never has war
been
brought to the British stage with more Topicality, Realism, Passion
and
Satire. You will feel that you too have suffered the mercies of the
Front
Line! Playing at the New Theatre this year!
'BUBO-BUSTER
JIM' MARRIES Renowned doctor Jim Dawson has announced his
marriage,
to the fortunate young Bavarienne born Fräulein Margarita
Krankheit.
We will not forget Dr Dawson's tireless labours over plague
victims
in London and Whitby, and he remains our very own 'heart surgeon'!
(from
How Do You Do? magazine)
A LETTER
TO THE EDITOR "It has been brought to my attention that half
of
the
population of this country is being denied the most basic human right:
that
of choice. While women are being denied the right to have a say in the
affairs
of the land they live in they are being denied all dignity. What is
the
assumption that men hold? Is it that women do not have the intelligence
to understand
matters
of state? This cannot be right for if we are to
accord
the right to vote on grounds of intelligence there must be many men
who
do not qualify. Do they think then that women are not interested in
larger
matters? Again, they have been proved false time and again. Or is it
that
men are afraid once they allow women to vote their wives will be
demanding
equal rights in other areas? A woman with the intelligence to
grasp
the need for change, the courage to demand what should be hers by
right,
and the strength of character to do whatever is necessary to achieve
this
would be a formidable opponent indeed. To anyone reading this, I would
say,
at least have the honesty to question why women are denied the right
to vote.
This country is supposed to be built on good reason and justice.
I see
neither in the present system. Miss Charity Wells." The Editor
responds:
while Miss Wells's language is a trifle intemperate and extreme,
this
newspaper supports the broad thrust of her message, and hopes that
measures
to introduce female suffrage will soon prove successful.
TAMWORTH-SMITH
TAKES HIS SEAT Reluctant politico Mr William
Tamworth-Smith
has at last succumbed to Tory party pressure and taken his
place
in the House of Commons, comfortably winning the marginal seat of
Southampton
after the death of incumbent Mr Walter Greaves in a riding
accident
this winter. Mr Tamworth-Smith has long been a support of and
campaigner
for the party, and many informed observers are saying that he
would
make a fine Home Secretary - a post that Mr Southville has left
inexplicably
vacant during the entirety of this year, no doubt for lack of
a candidate
of sufficient stature to make up for the egregious failings
(alleged)
of Mr Derothshire. 'Stability in changing times' and 'Only the
guilty
need fear' were Mr Tamworth-Smith's campaign platforms, and they
were
as readily accepted by the people of Southampton as they would be by
the
country. On constitutional and religious matters, he is thought to be
of moderate
progressive opinions, and a likely supporter of Mr Southville's
newest
initiatives.
MARS
LOOMS CLOSER Baffled astronomers have announced that the red
planet
is drawing
closer and closer to Earth, to the extent that its brightness
dominates
the night sky and its waxing and waning can be seen by the naked
eye.
Quite what might have precipitated this celestial motion remains a
mystery.
THEATRICAL
CRITICISM 'You will feel that you too have suffered the
mercies
of the Front Line!' claims the New Theatre in its advertising for
new
drama 'Ants and The Man', and never a truer word was spake. This
correspondent
found himself heartily wishing that he could be invalided out
of the
world of pain and suffering that is to be in the audience of Mr
Weaver's
turgid play, for the armistice seemed a punishingly long time
coming.
If Mr Weaver had made even the smallest concession to having a
credible
hero, to using properly dramatic language, to spending a little
money
on sets and costumes, then a little escapism might have been possible
- but
no, the grim 'reality' of the event was unavoidable. Do yourselves a
favour,
theatregoers, and accept the white feather due to a coward rather
than
volunteering for this particular field of conflict. (by our Drama
Correspondent)
*** FREEDOM
FOR SWITZERLAND The stolid burghers of Switzerland have
returned
with light hearts to their chocolate-making and
cuckoo-clock-carving,
safe in the knowledge that their ancient federation
has
been restored by their Prussian liberators. Prussia has entirely
vacated
the country, restoring the government toppled by the Bavarian
invasion,
and has arrested and prosecuted all those suspected of
collaborating
with the occupation.
HERO
DOCTOR HONOURED The de Bonvoisin-von Poelzig Medical Academy
has
struck
a special medal for Dr Sir Charles Welmerdyke, one of its graduates,
who
was instrumental in concocting a cure for the plague that troubled us
so in
recent years. 'It is humbling to be able to so honour one of our
own',
said Baron von Poelzig in his customary saint-like fashion.
GIFFARD
GOES PRUSSIAN Rogue weapons technologist Henri Giffard has
taken
the
name of Henri von Giffard, it was announced in Berlin, and has been
granted
Prussian citizenship. Along with it comes a Prussian wife, the
former
Fräulein Helga von Blumenkraft, and the post of Minister of Science
and
Technology in the Prussian government. The Times can only express its
horror
that Mr von Giffard, inventor of so many machines of death and
destruction,
is now so firmly linked to the fortunes of our largest
Continental
rival. Why did the British government not do more to woo this
brilliant
but sociopathic man?
PROPHETS
SPEAK OF ALIENS This spring has seen the country thronged with
unwashed
prophets, babbling mystically of the imminent coming of 'God's
Other
Children'. What can it all mean? Even the religious establishment
seems
to have caught the bug, for vicars, bishops and the like have been
interpreting
all manner of recent events as signs and portents to this
expected
visit.
RUDOLF
IN BRITAIN There is nothing sadder than a member of a toppled
royal
family, and we are now richer by one: former Austrian Crown Prince
Rudolf
has taken up residence in Devon. Neighbours say that the Prince is a
quiet
man, who keeps to himself, his only companions being his lady friend
Miss
Trudi Skrumptlich, and a faithful old retainer.
*** FREEDOM
PROMISED FOR BAVARIA TOO Prussian forces have spent this year
pacifying
and restoring order to Bavaria, flushing out Morgan sympathizers,
and
indicting war criminals. They are now ready to hand the country back to
its
true royal line, in the person of young Prince Paul, son of the late
King
Otto, as a result of the Tervueren Peace Conference, Prussian
officials
announced. Grand Duke Magnus Eisengrim, the Prince's second
cousin,
will be regent.
AT THE
THEATRE A wonderful evening for all the family is to be had
at the
New
Theatre, where 'Ants and The Man' is breathing new life into the
moribund
British stage. Away with the pomp and fustian, in with direct
language
that anyone can understand, powerful issues that strike at the
heart
of our humanity, and straightforward characters who are human rather
than
heroic, in their strengths and in their weaknesses. More from Mr
Weaver,
please! (from The Observer)
MORE
PRUSSIAN CHANGES After last year's reorganization of the apparatus
of civil
government, this year saw Count von Essen undertake a similar
exercise
on the military front. The awesome Prussian war machine now has a
structure
fitting to its size, with a massive expansion in Supply Corps and
Audit
Department. Count von Essen now has a deputy as Army Commander, to
match
his deputy as Chancellor, so that he himself can move back and forth
between
the two roles with freedom.
*** SECOND
COMING ANNOUNCED IN JERUSALEM The enigmatic Temple of Solomon,
raised
from its ruins a decade ago, shivered asunder this Christmas to
reveal
a human figure, swathed in divine light, announcing himself to be
the
Second Coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ, here to prepare us for the Last
Days
leading up to judgement. 'He that find me, be it even at the last, he
will
surely be saved,' the self-proclaimed Messiah said. Local authorities
are
attempting to cast doubt on his credentials, but he has already worked
a number
of miracles, including pushing a whole herd of pigs over a cliff.
WAR HERO
WEDS Captain Jonathan Hazelmere, DSM & Bar, leader of the
valiant
23 Squadron during the war with France, has married Miss Eleanor
Courtney,
of the respected Norfolk family, at a quiet family ceremony. The
bride
was given away by her brother, Mr Valentine Courtney. Captain
Hazelmere
has spent his time since leaving the Navy in establishing a
courier
business, taking advantage of the opportunities provided by the new
technologies,
and he is surely one of tomorrow's men.
*** MARTIANS
HAVE LANDED Not a headline this newspaper thought it would
ever
use, but the facts speak for themselves. To the accompaniment of
dramatic
weather conditions provided by Mr Ferdinand Lancelot Gaboon and
his
Cloudbuster, the Martian vessel landed in the Shropshire estate of the
Marquess
of Salisbury, during one of his famous shooting parties. The
Marquess
and his charming Lady, together with other luminaries such as Lord
and
Lady Chelmsford, Baron von Poelzig and the poetess Miss Julianne
Fulbright,
were the first to greet our celestial neighbours, shaking the
brave
spacefarers warmly by the tentacle and welcoming them to Earth. The
Archbishop
of Canterbury used his Easter sermon to welcome the arrival of
'God's
Other Children', as the Martians have rapidly become known, and he
baptised
the leader of the delegation, a five-tentacled squid-like being
named
Vxxthn, into the Church of England. This was followed by a lengthy
caravan
affair in which the amiable GOCs were paraded around every parish
in the
country, meeting and greeting amazed villagers and townsfolk, under
perfect
weather conditions as provided by the Flying Circus, Minerva
Women's
Groups handing out the gifts they had brought as they went - every
household
in Britain is now richer by a 'Pauper's Comfort', an amazing
device
which turns household waste into heat for the building, and
apparently
this is merely scratching the surface of the bounty our new
friends
are keen to shower upon us. It is believed that similar events have
taken
place in the United States.
A PRESS
CONFERENCE BY MR DEROTHSHIRE The disgraced (allegedly) politico
said
"My position as Home Secretary has been made untenable by the
accusations
levelled against me. I will not deny them, what is the point,
opinions
have already been made. I will step down as Home Secretary because
it is
best for the country that I do so - no other reason, I stated when I
took
this post that I serve my country above all else. Yes, it is true I
consorted
with members of the Steampunk Mafia, high-ranking members - but
how
else would you expect me to behave - I spoke to them, negotiated,
threatened,
I introduced the Guardian Angels and Special Constables - all
this
I did to reduce crime, make the streets safer, and for a better
quality
of life for the people of this country. All I can say to the person
or persons
responsible for the accusations levelled at me is: I hope you
realize
what you have done to this country, if it is your mother, father,
child,
wife or husband who becomes a victim of crime due to the lack of law
and
order on the streets you only have yourselves to blame... I wish my
successor
all the best."
NEW CULT
THRIVES London-based Christian cult, The Approach to God, has
been
gaining in power and influence lately, with a number of respectable
citizens
signing up to its progressive and mystical philosophy. Enigmatic
leader
and former monk, Brother Simon, is rarely available for comment, but
it seems
clear that he and his followers are moving up in the world.
AN ADVERTISEMENT Fraternity, Equality, Equity! (from The Observer)
CUP FINAL
SCANDAL This year's Salisbury Cup final had to be abandoned
shortly
after half time, with Langley trailing Newcastle by a goal to nil,
when
all twenty-two players and the three match officials suddenly stopped
playing,
stripped themselves naked, and conducted a war-dance in the middle
of the
pitch. Ladies shrieked, gentlemen expostulated, urchins and
hobbledehoys
guffawed, but will the game of football ever be the same
again?
(from our Sports Correspondent)
BILL
TO WELCOME GOCs The Archbishop of Canterbury has authored a
Bill to
welcome
the GOCs to Britain and offer them the status of British subjects,
with
wide cross-party support in both Houses, although whether voting
rights
will be extended to them remains to be seen.
ANNUAL
EVENT The 1879 Minerva Girls Annual contains a complete reprint
of
Mr Hans
Christian Andersen's touching story 'The Ugly Duckling', which was
serialized
in the magazine during the year. It tells an instructive tale
about
a family of ducks who are too stupid to realize that one of their
brood
is actually a cygnet, despite it being clearly much too large and
completely
the wrong colour.
LATEST
MARS CRAZE The new fashion for all things Martian and
space-related
has manifested itself in a range of confectionery brought out
by the
esteemed Mr Ferdinand Lancelot Gaboon, to compliment his range of
soft
drinks - he is rapidly becoming the dentist's best friend. The range
includes
Moon Dust, Martian Delight, Rocket Ships, Space-Mead, Martian
Mallows
and of course Mars Bars; all brightly coloured, stickily sweet and
in shapes
reminiscent of squids, asteroids, canals and other such things.
They
have been snapped up avidly by a Mars-hungry nation: 'they're crawling
off
the shelves!' said one retailer of his stock of Crunchy Squid Delights.
'And
we're selling quite a few of them, as well!' he added hastily.
*** ITALIAN
PM OUSTED Prime Minister Grand Duchess Adriana Sforza of
Milan
has been booted out after an internal coup in her party, following
the
merger of La Equitá Italia and the Italian Democratic Party to form
a
new
entity, the Democratic Equity Party. Most seasoned Italo-watchers had
seen
this move as inevitable, given the near-identity of the two parties'
policies,
but with the IDP contributing most of the deputies and most of
the
members, theirs is the whip hand in the new arrangement, and so it is
that
the Grand Duchess has been dismissed by King Cosimo, officially for
her
high-handed action in tearing up the alliance with Prussia last year.
The
new Prime Minister is Signor Domenico Morfeo, hitherto the Finance
Minister,
and a well-respected Florentine banker in pre-unification days.
All
this has left War Minister d'Aventine, and his Venetian and Neapolitan
allies,
rather isolated in the Government.
MARTIANS
TAKE UP FOOTBALL The GOCs are eager to learn more of Earthly
sport,
and as well as sponsoring Christian Rovers - 'three squids on your
shirt'
- a few of them have tried out for the team. With their many
tentacles
they are all but impossible to nutmeg, but as Earth's gravity is
stronger
than that of Mars they are generally very weak in the air. (from
our
Sports Correspondent)
NEW HELP
FOR POOR OPPRESSED Captain Percy Blakely, archaeologist and
man-about-town,
has established the Blakely Institute for Legal Empowerment
(BILE),
to provide legal assistance to the poor. 'I thought it was time to
put
something back,' said the wealthy yet modest gentleman.
BYZANTIUM
GETS INTO GEAR Magister Militum Niels Graaf has completed the
mighty
task of reorganizing and re-equipping the army of the Byzantine
Empire,
welding together its component parts and bringing it up to the
standard
of a modern Western nation. Generous budgets have been coming his
way
thanks to the great improvements in Byzantine tax collection,
engineered
by renegade Swiss banker Mr Alex Boon - fleeing Switzerland
ahead
of the Prussians, as he was suspected of collaboration with the
Bavarian
occupiers, Mr Boon has now washed up in Constantinople as Finance
Minister,
and seems to have done an extraordinarily good job of producing
large
amounts of blood from the Eastern European stone. Krupp have been the
main
supplier to the Magister Militum. The young Emperor himself has been
much
more in evidence this year, restoring confidence in those of his
subjects
who feared they might never lay eye upon his revered visage.
GOC EMISSARY
KIDNAPPED! It was announced from the GOCs' Shropshire base
that
one of their number had been kidnapped by unscrupulous manufacturing
interests,
keen to learn the secret of how to manufacture the 'Pauper's
Comfort'.
But the GOCs stoutly refused to give in to such blackmail,
protesting
that their inventions should be gifts to all humanity, not
exploited
for commercial gain. The kidnapped delegate was released
unharmed,
its tormentors regretting the folly into which their greed had
led
them.
*** NEW
POPE ENTHRONED After the tragic (and still slightly mysterious)
death
of Pius IX on his visit to London at the end of last year, the new
Pope
took the name Leo XIII, promising close cooperation with the Italian
government
and with those of all Catholic states. Seasoned Vatican-watchers
describe
Leo as a protégé of his predecessor, so we can probably expect
little
change in the Vatican line: in particular he is thought to share
Pius's
ecumenizing zeal. The French Antipope Clement XIV, challenged to
declare
his allegiance to the new Pope, said that he would think seriously
about
it.
LEAGUE
TITLE TO SALOP With the two strongest sides, Langley and
Newcastle,
suspended from the competition after their disgraceful display
during
the Cup Final, the chance was there for some of the less-fancied
teams
to shine in the Salisbury League, and Salop United took full
advantage
to snatch the title on the last day of the season, ahead of
Christian
Rovers. Surprise third placers were the 'Crazy Gang' of
Wimbledon,
whose long-ball game may win few admirers for its aesthetics but
certainly
seems effective, at least until the other teams work out how to
counter
it. (from our Sports Correspondent)
*** THE
FRENCH ARE REVOLTING! ... and, more newsworthily, they have
had
another
revolution. Starting in Marseilles, and led by retired General
Louis
Perisson, neo-Jacobins have swept the land, calling for the
destruction
of all remnants of the Napoleonic regime and the establishment
of a
new Year Zero of the Third Republic. The French antipope Clement XIV
has
added his voice to the calls for Liberté, Égalité
and Fraternité, and
various
'aristos' have already been sent to 'Madame Guillotine' in what can
only
be described as 'La Nouvelle Terreur'.
IT-FLICKS
KEEP GROWING The Italian film industry continues to dominate
Europe,
with big investments being made in technology, locations and above
all
talent. Mr Sunil Laing is the latest backer to seek a piece of the pie,
producing
this year the longest epic yet committed to Stone box - an
adaptation
of Othello, with himself in the lead. Although Stone movie
equipment
is cheap and simple enough that anyone could make a film, what
marks
out the Italian product is the clarity of its artistic vision and the
understated
professionalism of its production values: costumes, make-up,
lighting
and so on all betray the hand of the most consummate talents of
the
age. And so hopeful youngsters wishing to get a start in the trade
travel
out to the factory of dreams, would-be actors seek to gain jobs
waiting
at table in the cafés of Salerno and Bari, and the concentration
of
talent
intensifies. Why our own government did not have the vision to place
Britain
in this favourable situation vis-à-vis this rapidly-growing and
tremendously
lucrative industry is a question that only Mr Southville can
answer.
The rival Maguire Cinema-to-Graph technology is now dead in the
water,
Stone-based production completely overwhelming its comparatively
pathetic
efforts.
*** BILL
OF RIGHTS Mr Southville, in a neat side-step, has stolen the
progressive
clothes of all three opposition parties (Liberal, Equity and
NWO)
in introducing a Bill of Rights, composed with cross-party
contribution,
seeking to guarantee certain basic freedoms for all Britons.
Constitutional
reform on such a scale has never been attempted in this
country,
and while some stuffy types oppose it, The Times welcomes it
warmly.
We must confess that we did not think Mr Southville would be the
man
to make such a move, but he has proved himself an adept political
manoueuvrer
over the years. The Bill includes * the right to serve God and
the
Queen * the right to freedom of speech, where it does not infringe the
rights
of others * the right to freedom of worship (this is in effect a
repeal
of the Heresy Act of last year) * the right to expect Government to
look
after the state's best interest * the right of the individual to a
fair
trial, innocence until proven guilty * harsh punishment for infringing
fellow
subjects' security, through the due process of law * the right of
the
country and the individual to defend its honour amongst equals in a
fitting
manner * the right to success, allowing men and women to own stock
and
shares and take positions in business * the right of all to a basic
standard
of education, housing and healthcare (to come into play on a
rolling
basis within the next 20 years) * the right to self-determination,
creating
a stake-holder society where all have the vote (including women
and
the poor), including devolution of power to local and regional centres,
such
as England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales.
SPACE
PROGRAMME SNAG The Bertrand-von Giffard space project seems
to have
hit
the buffers this year, with simultaneous failure of all of its
important
supply companies. Quite what quirk of international finance
brought
this about is difficult to say, but one thing is for sure: it
leaves
the British Government project, based at Bicester and now we
understand
receiving advice from Martian space scientists, firmly in the
box
seat as regards the further exploration of the starry domain. (by our
Science
and Technology Correspondent)
AN ADVERTISEMENT
- Gaboon's candy - confection perfection at a
down-to-Earth
price - it's out of this world! (seen on StoneVision and
other
media)
CRIME
PROBLEMS GROW Mr Derothshire's warning about the rise in crime
to
be expected
following his resignation seems to have been a self-fulfilling
prophecy,
with a steady build-up in crime sweeping the capital during the
year,
including a succession of high-profile and embarrassing robberies
culminating
in the theft of a despatch-box from Number Ten Downing Street
itself.
The lack of appointment of a new Home Secretary can scarcely have
helped
matters, for cases are collapsing, detectives are ineffective, and
the
whole law enforcement apparatus has seized up. Mr Derothshire himself
has
been out of the country for almost the entire year, so he can scarcely
be held
responsible for the wave, even were it not libellous to suggest it.
(from
our Home Affairs Correspondent)
ARMSTRONG
GETS THE FEMINIST BUG Britain's favourite arms manufacturer
has
shown
himself in tune with the mood of the nation, by opening up
apprenticeships
and places in technical colleges and universities to women,
to train
as engineers. As yet the take-up has been small, but The Times
applauds
the gesture.
WORD
FROM MAGUIRE It seems that missing space scientist Colonel
Sir
William
Maguire is still alive after all, having crashed onto the surface
of Mars
last year, rather than being lost in space as we all feared. This
year
he was able to send messages back to Earth, via a Martian delegation -
he is
unable to travel back physically as yet, because the high
acceleration
of Martian spacecraft would be deeply injurious to anyone with
a skeleton.
This is an excerpt from his message to the Queen: "... As you
can
imagine, Your Majesty, the red planet is a wondrous place, and the
Greens
[the GOCs' own name for themselves - ed.] are most generous hosts.
During
my stay here I will continue to work tirelessly for the good of
Crown
and Country and will personally deliver a full report on the Green
Civilization
to yourself on my safe return."
A PRESS
RELEASE "The PIST facility and Prussian Inventor Henri von
Giffard
are pleased to announce the invention of the first phase of
Intercontinental
Warfare. The EXplosive Prussian LOng-range Defense Entity
(EXPLODE)
will ensure that Prussia is a feared force all over the world.
However,
it is a weapon which will act as a deterrent to attacks against
Prussia,
a weapon which is for defence rather than offence."
SPECIAL
SCHOOL FOR SPECIAL CHILDREN Mrs Aramintha Savage, wife of the
noted
industrialist, has founded a school for under-privileged and
'problem'
children - a long-standing interest of hers. In a speech
delivered
at the sch
ool's
opening, she outlined how, in the increasingly tolerant and
compassionate
England of today, everyone should be given a fair chance to
contribute
to society, no matter what their gender, race or origin may be.
"If
we are willing, quite rightly, to open our arms to the inhabitants of
other
worlds, we should also take care not to neglect those native to our
own."
BARONS
FLEX THEIR MUSCLES This year has seen an increasing trend for
press
barons - the owners of newspapers - to involve themselves more
closely
in matters of editorial policy. The long tradition of the British
press's
independence from its owners, so vital to ensure free and frank
journalism,
is in jeopardy, with even The Times's owner, Lord
Northcliffe...
[kill this story - word from above - ed.]
WE LAUGHED,
WE CRIED... if you only see one show this year, make it
SquidDance
- but be prepared to wait, with queues stretching round the
block
each time the ticket-office at any of the six theatres showing it
opens.
This show is like nothing on Earth - literally! Regular readers will
be aware
of this correspondent's reluctance to 'rave' about a production,
but
for SquidDance he feels he must make an exception: your life really
will
be a pitiful, hollow sham if you miss it. Some dedicated fans -
recognizable
by the skirt of 'tentacles' they wear - have invested in
season
tickets allowing admission to every single performance! Similar
scenes
are being witnessed in New York, we learn. But what is the show
about?
It is difficult to imagine a reader who is not aware, but for the
benefit
of any hermits who have recently returned to civilization after
three
years spent living in a barrel: think haunting melodies, drifting
over
the red soil of Mars; think slow, passionate dances evoking the
homeworld
that they have left behind; think melodies of hope for future
friendship
as they greet their Terran cousins; think a big high-kicking
tentacled
chorus line as the show-stopper. There is no real plot, the show
is more
a revue, but its mood is carefully engineered so as to engage the
maximum
emotional involvement from the audience. You leave really feeling
that
you know something of what it is like to be a GOC. The music, original
work
by promising newcomer Mr Arthur Sullivan and including elements of the
weird
Martian music, is immense: and the libretto, penned by Miss Julianne
Fulbright,
shows all the greatest strengths of bringing poetry to the
masses.
If you do not leave the theatre humming 'I'd Like To Teach the
Worlds
To Sing' then, sir, you have no soul. (by our Drama Correspondent)
POSEIDON
GETS THE DRILL The Poseidon Institute, in Italy, has been aided
in its
task of mapping and surveying the Mediterranean seabed by the
provision
of a deep-sea drill and a Stonar underwater imaging / location
system,
developed by Mr William Stone. It is rumoured that Lord Armstrong
is also
working with the tireless Mr Stone, on an aerial mapping system.
MARS
PUTS ON THE BRAKES The rapid approach of the planet Mars, which
has
so brightened
our night skies, seems to have halted now, leaving the red
planet
hanging in the sky with a rather larger apparent magnitude as our
Moon.
As Mars is less cloudy than Earth, surface features such as Martian
cities
and the famous canal system can clearly be seen with the naked eye.
Apparently
the GOCs themselves are as puzzled by this behaviour as we
Earthlings
are, although glad of the opportunity to allow humans and GOCs
alike
to travel more easily between the two worlds. An extra set of tides
has
been introduced into each day, much to the confusion of fisheries and
shipping,
and there is some speculation that the two planets are now near
enough
that we will effectively share an atmosphere. We will have to hope
there
are no odd Martian germs that might prove fatal to our race! (from
our
Science and Technology Correspondent)
STONEVISION
SCREENS All Britain's towns are now the richer for a giant
StoneVision
screen, the latest product of Mr William Stone's fertile brain:
essentially
just like your own domestic StoneVision box, they display
images
up to twenty feet across, so that mass audiences can watch together.
*** POLITICAL
FALLOUT The Parliamentary consequences of Mr Southville's
shock
move in introducing the Bill of Rights are still being felt. 25
Conservative
MPs immediately resigned the whip in protest at its
progressive
nature, forming the Traditional Conservative Party, leaving Mr
Southville
in a minority. He has continued to govern from this position
while
pushing the Rights legislation through the Commons, with Liberals,
Equity
and NWO not able to oppose him on what are important planks of their
own
platforms. Furthermore, they dare not force a vote of no confidence,
because
Mr Southville is more popular in the country than he has ever been
(admittedly
this is not saying a great deal), particularly in the regions
of Britain
which have warmly welcomed the suggestion that power to manage
their
local affairs be devolved down to them. The Bill is now through the
Commons,
but it is still in process in the Lords, and it is feared that the
Upper
House, more reactionary by nature, may stifle certain clauses,
particularly
if the Archbishop of Canterbury mobilizes his bloc vote
against
the repeal of his beloved Heresy Act. To cap what must be
considered
a highly successful year for Mr Southville, though, her Majesty
honoured
him in her birthday list, and he is now Lord Southville of
Berwickshire.
FAIR
TO MIDDLING Mr William Stone has been touring a mini-Science
Fair
this
year, around the rural parishes of the nation, asking the question
"What
can Science do for you?" Unfortunately, he has found in several
places
that the answer to this is "Put us out of a job, you greedy,
heartless
so-and-so", and he has been burnt in effigy in a number of
villages
particularly hard hit by the advent of labour-saving devices into
agriculture.
NEW WAR
HORRORS With his fiendish EXPLODE intercontinental missile,
Henri
von
Giffard has taken humanity one big step close to the teetering brink of
doom.
Prussia is now capable of devastating entire cities, across the
globe.
Any who, like this correspondent, saw the demonstration of the
EXPLODE
prototype will have shuddered for our fragile planet. Surely all
civilized
folk will call at once for the Kaiser, that man of peace as was
proven
at the Tervueren conference, to forswear the use of EXPLODE under
any
circumstances, the dismantling of all research relating to it, the
disbandment
of the PIST which created it, and the immediate execution of
Henri
von Giffard, who has proved conclusively by this latest invention
that
he is utterly beyond the pale of the human race. If, as so many
portents
seem to be suggesting, we are now entering the Last Days, it is
men
like von Giffard who are hastening them.
*** RETURN
OF NAPOLEON The son of the former Emperor has returned to
France,
with Spanish backing, and has been crowned Napoleon IV, in a clear
attempt
to nip the Troisième République in the bud. The remnants
of the
Army
have swung behind the new Emperor, but thanks to significant defection
from
their ranks to those of the revolutionaries, they have only been able
to establish
Imperial control over the south-western quarter of France and
a strip
up the west coast as far as Nantes. The country is effectively now
divided
into two parts.
NEW WAR
IN ARMENIA The Ottomans, quiet for a time, have re-opened
hostilities
in Armenia, the territory which they have disputed with the
Russians
for many years now. War in this hilly country, with primitive
weaponry
as used by both nations, can only result in tremendous suffering
and
loss of life, and surely the civilized folk of Western Europe could use
some
apparatus such as the Tervueren Conference, or the International
Justice
League, to prevent it claiming as many casualties as did the last
war
here, a decade ago.
STONE
THE CROWS Mr William Stone has been asked to explain a number
of
curious
interjections recently heard on his Radio One. Interviews and
speeches
have been interrupted with squeaky heckling voices, the Play for
the
Day was somehow replaced between recording and broadcast by an
extensive
laundry list, and most shockingly of all a brass band performance
of the
National Anthem was replaced by a version made up of biological
noises.
Opponents of the system have not been slow to call for Mr Stone's
head.
Prussia has reportedly banned the new StoneVision technology: perhaps
they
know or suspect something about it that the rest of Europe does not.
AN ADVERTISEMENT
You've seen the films... now see the locations! Holiday
on the
Italian Riviera, the Factory of Dreams. (from the Süddeutsche
Zeitung)
VAMPIRES
OF SOUTH-EAST ASIA SPREAD "... and now it seems the problem
has
engulfed
Cochin-China and Siam as well, with villagers terrified of going
out
at night for fear of the dread blood-sucking leeches in human form. The
British
colonial authorities in the region have been utterly supine: has
the
Government no care for Her Majesty's far-flung subjects? Just because
they
are dusky of skin should not mean that they have any less right to
protection
from vampiric attack than do the citizens of London, many
hot-headed
young radicals in this part of the world are saying." (from our
South-East
Asia Correspondent)
MARTIANS
ALSO WELCOME IN ITALY The Committee to Welcome Our Alien
Friends,
whom many will have forgotten started this whole business off,
have
recently prospered in Italy, and that is why the GOCs have also paid a
visit
to that country, the only other so favoured apart from Britain and
the
USA. The Italian CWOAF has been working hard to prepare the ground,
with
favourable images of GOCs in newspapers and StoneVision, and the
Government
is fully on board, with a programme of gala balls and the like
to welcome
our alien visitors. The traditionally superstitious Italian folk
have
taken to their cephalopod chums with some warmth.
OTHELLO
PUZZLE The London premiere of Mr Sunil Laing's new Stone film
Othello
passed without incident, but on the second night of the
cross-country
showings that followed, a somewhat different version was
seen,
in which Othello (Mr Laing) grows horns, a tail and fiery breath, and
chases
around the court killing everyone he meets, to the accompaniment of
squeaky
malevolent laughter. Shocked audiences walked out across the land,
demanding
their money back. Projectionists are baffled, as each only
received
one copy of the film, and it is difficult to see how it could have
changed
so radically between showings.
============================================