(with thanks to the London Times and various other worthy publications)
*** ALBERT
CURED The nation breathed a sigh of relief and tore up its
poems
of mourning, as Buckingham Palace announced that our beloved Prince
Consort
was completely cured of his typhoid fever. The woman responsible
was
Miss Lilith Fair, who was immediately dubbed Dame of the British Empire
by the
grateful Queen. 'It was God's power working through me,' said the
modest
healer, giving the lie to those who have sought to portray her as
Agnostic.
A LETTER
TO THE EDITOR of The Times, from Mr Charles Darwin; "Dear Sir,
the
expansion of human knowledge is, in our time, proceeding swiftly. It is
only
natural that we, who have for so long looked for our future in the
patterns
of the stars, seek to explore space at such a moment.
Nevertheless,
those courageous scientists and engineers drawn to the stars
by curiosity
may be misdirecting their brave efforts. There are mysteries
enough
remaining unexplored on our planet, some of which may enlighten us
as to
our own true nature and that of all things living on the Earth. Would
the
energies of our great minds not be better directed towards discovery in
those
realms, such as the depths of the sea bed, which promise to disclose
answers
to many of our most fundamental spiritual and philosophical
questions?
Is not the disclosure of the true nature and destiny of man a
higher
calling, though directed towards more lowly regions, than expensive
exploration
for its own sake? I am striving, within my field, towards this
knowledge
and I would urge all men of science and intellect to join me in
this
pursuit. Outside our atmosphere, enthusiasts confess, are millions of
miles
of emptiness, with the odd scattered spinning rock or fire but knows
precisely
what riches may be yielded by mining the deeps? Yours sincerely,
Mr C.
Darwin."
A PRESS
RELEASE in all newspapers, from Henri Giffard; "Today, I launch
the
Giffine Gun, a one-man portable version of the Giffard Gun. It will
enable
the owner to carry it into combat. It is an essential home owner
tool
to provide protection against the criminal elemental which is taking
hold
in the major cities around the world. Sleep easier with a Giffine Gun
under
your pillow. Don't leave home without one, either. The Giffine Gun =
the
ultimate deterrent. Scared of the Slasher, carry a Giffine Gun. Sales
enquiries
should be directed to Henri Giffard."
A LETTER
from Miss Julianne Fulbright, published in the Literary Review;
"Sirs,
Lord Tennyson's poetry of 'note, merit and meaning' is, I fear,
beyond
the appreciation of most of this island's population. The readers of
this
Review might have the wit and intelligence to marvel at his lengthy
odes
crammed with classical allusion; however, the man and woman on the
Clapham
belt-conveyor doubtless find his collections lengthy and with
little
relevance to their everyday lives. Even those works of his written
for
his Laureate duties are couched in language no worker would use or,
perhaps,
even understand. "And let the fair white-winged peacemaker fly/To
happy
havens under all the sky", indeed. Perhaps Lord Tennyson would care
to tell
us which of the stands at the International Exhibition involved
doves?
Let the poetry for the people be written in a style that they can
understand,
and then perhaps it will be brought into a more central
position
in their lives. Let the little people construct their own rhymes
and
thus let us bring poetry to flourish in the light where Lord Tennyson
and
his ilk would have it buried in the deepest closet, with admission
granted
only to a select few. Yours faithfully, Julianne Fulbright."
IS THE
TRUTH OUT THERE? Recently set up in London is the Committee
to
Welcome
our Alien Friends, a group which believes mankind was helped in the
past
by creatures from space, and that they are due to return to help us
again.
Spokesman Mr Wolfgang Shrewda said "Even if we're wrong, what have
you
got to lose?" Self-respect, The Times would venture to suggest.
AN ADVERTISEMENT
in The Times, placed anonymously; "Memorabilia of
Slasher's
Victims sought. Best prices paid - Contact the Scorpions for more
information."
RED CROSS
SPLASHES OUT The Red Cross's asylum for the mentally deranged,
near
Epsom, has been greatly expanded lately, with the addition of a large
pool
for hydrotherapy, and a chapel dedicated to St Michael, among other
treats
for those unfortunate enough to be blighted in the mind.
NEW CORRESPONDENT
APPOINTED The post of Religious Affairs correspondent
to The
Times has been given to His Reverence Montague Summers, Bishop of
Exeter,
a learned and holy gentleman who will need no introduction to our
readers.
COMIC
CUTS Europe has been swamped by the launch of the new Teen
Angels
comic,
distributed free to the young by such a wide variety of means that
not
even the most reclusive of youngsters could have missed seeing it. It
tells
of the deeds of the Archangels Michael, Gabriel, Raphael and Uriel,
as well
as other members of the Host, engaged in stirring tales from the
Bible
and Milton, usually involving themes such as the power of prayer,
helping
those less fortunate, and from time to time giving unsightly demons
a good
old smiting. While The Times heartily supports any attempt to help
the
youth of today grow up as God-fearing Christians, this correspondent
cannot
but feel that the inclusion of modern-day figures such as the Head
of the
British Red Cross in the stories tends rather to detract from their
worth.
(by our Religious Affairs correspondent)
AN ADVERTISEMENT
in The Times, placed by William Stone; "Science and
Technology
reaches out to all. Come to London and witness the First Science
and
Technology Fair, A learning experience for all ages. Find out how the
steam
tractor works, ride on a conveyor belt for free. Speak to your friend
from
one end of the room to another using an Stone communication tube. See
how
man will reach out into the stars in our space exploration room. Join a
guided
tour for an educational view of science. Children and OAPs half
price,
schools and colleges free admission."
LOOK
BEFORE YOU CROSS The British Red Cross is taking to the skies
and
roads,
with the purchase of several Bangers and an Aerocruiser for use in
emergency
medical relief.
*** HERESY
BILL PASSES LORDS The House of Lords passed the Archbishop
of
Canterbury's
Bill for Religious Conformity and Social Cohesion with a
decent
majority, despite the opposition of the 'Nouveau Wealthy Order'
group
of peers led by Lord Hamilton: a large group of hitherto neutral
peers,
led by the Marquess of Salisbury, swung behind the bill and ensured
its
passage. The measure, which attracted broad support from both parties
and
from cross-benchers, provides for the punishment by exile of those
convicted
of heresy, on the judgement of a judge and the Church
authorities.
As a concession to liberal opinion, the Archbishop announced
the
disbanding of the Militia of the Lamb. The Bill must be passed by the
Commons
as well to become law, but Mr Southville will be a brave man to
stand
against a measure which has passed the Lords and has wide popular
enthusiasm
behind it: cries of 'Anything to stop the religious and social
turmoil!
Hurrah for the Archbishop!' were heard from the public galleries
during
the debate.
A PRESS
RELEASE in all newspapers, from Henri Giffard; "Today, a giant
step
for mankind will be taken as we launch an intrepid band of explorers
into
the infinity that is space. This project will go boldly where no man
has
gone before. We welcome you of the press corps to this launch to see
for
yourself the culmination of several years of hard work by the
Rocketship
group."
*** HUNGARY
FOR CHANGE The Republic of Hungary has declared war on
Austria,
President Miklos 'Mad Dog' Toldi announcing 'Now is the time to
avenge
centuries of injustice!' Neutral observers are seeing this as
representing
the 'kick a man when he's down' school of international
relations.
The Hungarian army at once advanced all but unopposed into
Slovakia
and seized Bratislava.
AN ANONYMOUS
LETTER TO THE EDITOR of the Suddeutsche Zeitung; "People of
Bavaria,
can it be good for our beloved country that a raspberry has been
replaced
by a Leman? Rise up, I say! Pluck this exotic fruit down from it's
usurped
branch, and put an end to this strange season of pain."
*** SPACE
TEAM RETURN TRIUMPHANT The first manned mission into space
returned
safely today, plucky ship the Pioneer 'splashing down' into the
Adriatic.
Pilot Mr James Dawson and organizer Mr Henri Giffard waved
triumphantly
to excited onlookers as their craft was towed into Venice by a
Steam
Kraken. The remainder of the crew, Baron von Poelzig, Mr William
Stone,
Mr Robert Goddard and Mr Thomas Swift, emerged one by one to take
the
applause. The expedition, following a near-ballistic trajectory into
high
earth orbit, deployed a deep-space probe of Mr Dawson's design which
will
add greatly to our knowledge of the interplanetary void, Mr Giffard
announced.
The success of this international mission, with four
nationalities
involved (other participants were Dr William S Bang and Comte
Bertrand),
surely points to a peaceful and cooperative future for mankind.
It is
hard to believe that this is the same Mr Giffard who this year
launched
that portable fragment of Hell on Earth, the Giffine Gun. (by our
Science
and Technology correspondent)
AN UNDERGROUND
ADVERTISEMENT in Eat the Rich!; (A huge picture of the
Pope
being devoured by a huge orca whale appears over the text.) "The Holy
Orca
devours the Pretender: his days are numbered"
GARIBALDI
LOYALISTS SLAIN The inner circle of revolutionaries closely
allied
to Giuseppe Garibaldi have been surprised and slain en masse by a
crack
team of assassins, believed to be Austrian in origin - a development
which
takes this correspondent back to the heady days of the 1860s, when
every
terrorist outrage that took place was blamed on French agents. The
Austrian
government has of course denied the charge, but the fact of the
matter
is that democratic activists have seized power from the surprised
Garibaldi
and promised free and fair elections next year, a move greatly
welcomed
by any right-thinking observer. (by our Diplomatic correspondent)
A GRAND
DAY OUT for all the family is to be experienced at Mr William
Stone's
Science and Technology Fair, at Earl's Court, London. The exhibits
include
(non-working) models of the Pioneer spacecraft and all the
fascinating
systems which make it up, plus a huge variety of other exhibits
of modern
ingenuity, from weapons of war to household items and aides to
health.
Families can move about the exhibits by Stone belt-conveyor, and
hear
descriptions via a Stone Amplifier network. Mr Stone, hitherto the
'quiet
one' of British inventive genius, has come into his own! (by our
Science
and Technology correspondent)
BANG
TO RIGHTS Dr William S Bang has branched out from his usual
explosive
path, with the establishment of a medical research laboratory.
SEA BREEZES
The enigmatic Comte Bertrand this year turned his mighty
steam
fleet to a survey of the bed of the Mediterranean, to what purpose is
anyone's
guess, as is what he might have found.
'SONNY'
DELIGHT Mr Sunil 'Sonny' Laing has purchased a quantity of
territory
in mid-Atlantic, including all the port facilities on Ascension
(excepting
the British naval base there), Tristan da Cunha and the Cape
Verde
islands.
*** MORGAN
NO LONGER FREE MAN King Morgan of Bavaria is Europe's most
eligible
bachelor no longer, having quickly spliced himself to Princess
Elena
of Milan, heir to the Grand Duchy of Piedmont. This move has
surprised
Sforza-watchers, who had anticipated a liaison between Elena and
the
de'Medici of Florence.
HAPPINESS
EXPANDS The 'Happiness Regained' empire has spread to include
remedies
for women's complaints (the details of which can hardly be
considered
suitable material for a respectable newspaper), and a free
newsletter
bulletin combining advice with product information. This company
certainly
seems to have a keen hold on this intimate aspect of British
life.
POETRY
ON THE OMNIBUS ... and on the Belt-Conveyor, the latest venture
from
angry young poetess Miss Julianne Fulbright. Not content with slamming
the
Poet Laureate in a recent letter to the Literary Review, she is now
organizing
the appearance of brief, pithy poems on display on public
transport,
by a variety of young poets, chosen so as to appeal to the lower
classes.
Some of this verse is the merest doggerel, but perhaps if the
unwashed
masses are introduced to poetry by this means, they may eventually
progress
to appreciate the true artistic vision of such as Lord Tennyson
himself.
MASKED
BRAWL The infamous Masked Man ha been making a nuisance of
himself
around
Liechtenstein, much to the annoyance of the occupying Austrians,
with
a series of daring outrages. It is even suspected that he is
attempting
to raise a resistance movement, which may have some hops of
success
with the defeat of Austria - although whether the conquering powers
will
have much sympathy for the plight of the Liechtensteiners remains to
be seen.
PRUSSIANS
PARALYSED The advance of the Prussian Army has been slowed
by a
nasty
outbreak of food poisoning that has broken out among the troops, and
also
by adverse and unseasonable weather conditions: 'it was as though the
thunder-gods
themselves were blighting our enterprise,' said one
weak-willed
infantryman. But 'Stormin' Count von Essen is flogging his
troops
ever onwards: and, with the rapid development of a special grease to
counter
the Austrian goop-weapon, it rather looks as though the Emperor's
days
in the field may be numbered.
BOXING
CLEVER Mr William Stone has patented the Stone Radio Box, a
device
which
allows the transmission and reception of mysterious aetheric
fluctuations
known as Stone Waves. It allows the instantaneous transmission
of sound
over large distances to many recipients, although quite on what
principle
it operates is still something of a mystery, it seems. (by our
Science
and Technology correspondent)
*** ITALIAN
UNITY IN THE PIPELINE With the new democratic government in
power
in Southern Italy, all five Italian nations are now agreed to conduct
a plebiscite
on unity in 1877. The proposed new nation will have Cosimo
de'Medici
as constitutional monarch, a house of peers as in Britain and an
elected
house of senators as in Italy. It will be officially Catholic, a
proviso
insisted on by the Pope, but freedom of worship will be
constitutionally
enshrined and the heads of state and of government will be
secular.
Constitutional experts are predicting a landslide for unity, with
all
five governments supporting it, and this will surely represent a
personal
triumph for Mr d'Aventine, who has been its architect.
AGONY
IN ALGIERS Captain Frank Clark, the English officer accused
of
shooting
a teenage French boy in Algiers in rather dubious circumstances,
has
been freed by military court, with judges refusing to admit the
evidence
of the many witnesses on the grounds that 'they were French and
hence
unreliable'. This decision has sparked a storm of protest across the
former
French colonies and in France itself, with citizens asking angrily
why
the government of Napoleon III will not stand up for them against
British
abuse.
ANARCHISTS
ARE REVOLTING Prussia was convulsed in a series of shocking
anarchist
riots towards the end of the year, with each major city in more
or less
open revolt. Terrified citizens are calling for Chancellor von
Seyffert's
head on a platter if he cannot fix the problem, and with large
numbers
of troops still in Austria that may prove a tricky task.
HERMES
IN SPACE Lord Armstrong's HERMES project has orbited the globe
and
been
successfully retrieved, and it is his Lordship's hope to put a dog
into
space in 1877. However, this exploit has been rather put in the shade
by the
Giffard group's achievement.
SALISBURY
IN THE STATES Luscious Lord Salisbury has been spending a 'deal
of time'
with the new in-laws, we understand, and has become quite an
ornament
in the Boston social scene. He and his lovely wife have also been
squired
around New York by noted American songwriter Mr Stephen Foster,
whom
we understand to be a Negro gentleman (check this before publication -
ed.)
(from How Do You Do? magazine)
*** COUP
BLIMEY! In a smoothly-executed coup that has stunned Europe,
the
French
military have toppled their Emperor Napoleon III, exiled him to
Devil's
Island, and replaced him with a military government. The leader of
the
junta is the young and brilliant General Joffre, and in his first
speech
as Generalissimo he angrily decried British imperialism.
HIGHLAND
STEW The Prime Minister has been touring north of the border
to
reassure
those Scots who have their kilts in a twist that they are still
loved
by their Queen and her government. 'I will not allow one part of the
Union
to tear the Empire apart whilst refusing to allow that self-same part
to feel
that they are not extremely valued,' he said. As a gesture to
bruised
Scottish feeling, he has had the order restricting Scottish
regiments
to barracks lifted, and one of the affected regiments has since
distinguished
itself putting down a native rising in the new territory of
Tanganyika.
DE BONVOISIN
INVESTS IN PRUSSIAN MADMEN The European asylum trade,
brisker
in recent years than it has ever been, took a sharp twist this
year,
with noted philanthropist and arms dealer Mr Albert de Bonvoisin
buying
up all the state-run asylums in Prussia. They are now under the
control
of a charitable trust, of which King Leopold of the Netherlands -
who
seems to pop up wherever Mr de Bonvoisin turns his hand - one of the
trustees.
The bouncing Belgian told a sorry tale of visiting his cousin in
one
such asylum and being horrified at the state of care, with lobotomies
and
electro-shock treatment being administered on a daily basis, but The
Times
suspects that a profit motive may also be present -whatever Mr de
Bonvoisin
touches seems to turn to gold eventually.
URGE
OVERKILL Armstrong Industries' URGE II, with improved life
support
system,
is likely to revolutionize the future of warfare, experts warned.
Capable
of tunnelling troops into any fortification, over considerable
distances,
it may make conventional above-ground combat a thing of the
past.
*** BULGARS
GET STUCK IN Bulgaria has followed Hungary's lead and
declared
war on Austria, invading to go to the aid of the rebels in Croatia
and
Bosnia-Herzegovina. The Bulgarian army, led still by the mercenary
commander
'Olaf', is highly motivated and well armed, and is making short
work
of the scant troops Austria can spare from the war in the north. This
is surely
the final nail in the Habsburg coffin.
*** BRITANNIC
STOLEN TO FRANCE The world's largest battleship, the HMS
Britannic,
has
been hijacked by Scottish agents and stolen away to the
Mediterranean,
in what can only be seen as a massive poke in the eye for
Britain's
armed might. The news that the new French government are in
league
with Scots nationalists is also alarming - is this a resurrection of
the
'Auld Alliance' which gave Queen Elizabeth and her predecessors such
trouble?
WEDDING
OFF In a tragic personal postscript to the French coup, Mr
Peter
Darkenford,
who was engaged to be married to Princess Amalie, is now said
to be
'thinking about it', now that her father is no longer Emperor.
Eyebrows
had already been raised at the Princess's engagement to a
commoner,
albeit a fabulously wealthy one, but the then French government
certainly
seemed to support the Emperor's decision.
PRESS
BARON TO WED? It is rumoured that Lord Trippinghurst, proprietor
of
the
Observer newspaper, is due to propose to the redoubtable women's
activist
Miss Catherine Mendel. The Times wishes them all happiness.
KNIGHTS
TEMPLAR SPREAD The new Knights Templar, headed by the shadowy
Sir
Parsifal
von Schwartzlich, is growing in number as evidenced by its
attendance
at Dame Lilith Fair's revival meetings throughout the year.
Knights,
such as the equally shadowy Sir Jean de Noisette-Étang, are taken
from
all over Europe, and sworn to the service of God, to protect the weak
and
to be generally heroic by God's good grace. Their headquarters, at
Dunmarchin
Castle ont he Welsh borders, is turning into quite the little
fortress.
DISCOVERY
LOAN The Discovery, a stripped down Aerocruiser specialized
for
retrieval
work, has been lent by Armstrong Industries to noted patron Mr
Albert
de Bonvoisin, for joint humanitarian research.
PERCY
RELUCTANT? Dashing Captain Sir Percy Blakely, stepping out
again
this
year with beauteous poetess Miss Julianne Fulbright, is still to pop
the
question to her, despite strong parental hints in that direction. Is
the
good Captain frightened of Miss Fulbright's famous fiery temper, or are
the
rumours that he has a bitter rival in love accurate? (from How Do You
Do?
magazine)
*** FALL
OF AUSTRIA The Prussian advance has been remorseless, a heavy
artillery
barrage followed by spears of MATAVs driving forward into the
Austrian
centre in the Danube valley, and after heavy fighting Austrian
troops
under General Echserdus finally surrendered at the gates of Vienna.
General
von Essen himself received Emperor Franz Josef's sword, at the gate
of the
Schönbrunn Palace. The Austrians might have resisted successfully,
but
with simultaneous invasions from Hungary and from Bulgaria they had no
chance.
The disposition is as follows: the Prussians hold Bohemia and the
Danube
valley, the Hungarians hold Slovakia, the Bulgarians allied with
Croat
and Bosnian rebels hold everything south of Slovenia and have now
sent
their army north to join with the Hungarian force. Only the Tyrol and
Linz
(and of course Liechtenstein) remain unconquered, and they might have
fallen
too had either Venice or Bavaria joined the conflict. The question
facing
the victors is what to do next. Will they simply divide the Empire
among
them, or will they allow it to retain national status? Will Britain
and
France demand a part in the negotiations? Will the Hapsburg dynasty be
extinguished?
The generals - von Essen, Toldi and 'Olaf' - have had their
day:
now it is for the statesmen to dispose.
SUE FLOATS
The mighty Sue media empire has been floated on the bourses of
Europe,
with 60% of shares retained by a mystery controller, 20% going to
staff
and workers, and the remaining 20% being sold to the public - with
the
current political turmoil, prices were not what they might have been,
but
the amount of cash raised is still phenomenal. Miss Monique Sue herself
has
dropped entirely out of public life, to the extent that this reclusive
and
reluctant mogul was ever in it.
FOOTBALL
BOOST Newcastle West End, the team owned by Lord Armstrong,
are
putting
something back into the game, with a new University chair and
laboratory
for research into Sport Studies at Newcastle University,
studying
sports injuries, football ballistics and related matters. Lord
Armstrong
is pushing football and fitness in general as the solution to
many
of societies' woes.
POPE
IS A GIT! ... and other stories to that effect in all Sue Media
newspapers
(including Le Soir, the Suddeutsche Zeitung and La Repubblica)
across
Europe. His sponsorship of the inhumane Levitican Army is
particularly
singled out for criticism.
DARWIN
WORKING ON TOME Noted scientist Mr Charles Darwin is reputedly
working
on a new book that will gather together all his work on the way
that
species originate. With Mr Darwin's letter to this newspaper earlier
in the
year indicating that he believes deep-sea research more valuable
than
deep-space, this controversial scientist is still happy to fly in the
face
of conventional opinion - we can be sure that his new book will rouse
the
hackles of the religious fundamentalists. It is believed that Mr Darwin
has
gone pubic with this announcement in fear that a rival will 'scoop' his
work,
although this correspondent will venture to hazard that no other man
living
would be capable of imitating Mr Darwin's unique way with a concept.
(by
our Science and Technology correspondent)
IT'S
SALOP FOR THE CUP The new Salisbury Cup competition produced
surprise
winners in the Marquess's own team, Salop United, edging out the
Christian
Rovers by two goals to one in the final. Newcastle West End,
pre-tournament
favourites, were defeated in the semi by Rovers, the only
goal
a controversial one scored by James Sealady and the 'Hand of God'. The
trophy
was presented by Lady Salisbury, and very charming she looked doing
so.
The League was once again a Newcastle procession, although Salop chased
them
until the end, but it's good to see that upsets can still occur in cup
football.
(by our Sports correspondent)
AS A
MATTER OF FACT IT'S ALL DARK Colonel Maguire has astonished
the
world
with pictorial images of the dark side of the Moon, taken with an
automatic
space probe he sent up there last year. It seems this enigmatic
genius
has scooped the Giffard crew, and furthermore invented a new art of
'photo-graphy'
while doing so! Most interestingly of all, the images show
signs
which experts hazard are highly suggestive of life on our chill
satellite.
Her Majesty was the first to see the
'Mag-u-like'
images, and she was so pleased with them, and the three
craters
which have been named after her and the two Princesses, that she
dubbed
the scientist Sir William on the spot. It is difficult to say which
will
have the greater effect on human existence, the development of
'photo-graphy'
or the discovery of life on the Moon, but to discover both
simultaneously
argues a high order of genius. (by our Science and
Technology
correspondent, who has had rather an exciting year of it)
IS KAISER
WILLY AT THE HELM? Surely the time has come for the Kaiser
to
replace
the flaccid von Seyffert with a more dynamic Chancellor, who will
quell
these anarchist scum for good and all. But he seems to be more busy
with
his new French mistress than with affairs of State. (from the
Frankfurter
Allgemeine Zeitung)
SCIENTIFIC
GOVERNMENT The Queen has opened Victoria Towers, the newest
housing
block to be raised int he Manchester regeneration project, and
given
her imprimatur to Lord Hamilton's plans for a progressive, unified
approach
to civil administration. The programme is not just for cities, it
also
applies to efficient management of rural communities, and landowners
are
being encouraged to trial it with a mini-Cyclops machine for the
estate,
linked to the main Cyclops via the village post office. How well
the
straw-chewing English yeoman will take to difference engineering
remains
to be seen: he still has to get fully used to steam tractors! But
Lord
Hamilton assures cost savings, and in these days of trial for
landowners
that will be hard to resist.
DUEL
IN HYDE PARK Rapiers at dawn saw a young Frenchman, Monsieur
Requin,
slay
young Lord Pentonville-Smythe, over what is believed to have been an
offence
at cards in Professor Moriarty's Gentleman's Club. Monsieur Requin
is currently
being sought by police, who believe he may be dangerous if
cornered.
*** DEDICATED
MIKE CONTROL The long series of revival meetings held by
Dame
Lilith Fair, throughout the summer, reached its fervent conclusion
this
Michaelmas, with the Archangel Michael himself descending from the
heavens
to move among ecstatic worshippers - most glorious he was,
brightest
and best of the sons of the morning, twenty feet tall, his
raiment
that of light, his terrible sharp sword and armour too bright to
look
at, and the ineffable glory of God in his eye. His voice, melodious
yet
filled with power, led worshippers in a hymn of praise to the Lord, and
fortunate
were those who were there on that day. Previous meetings had been
accompanied
by rioting among Dame Lilith's followers, which had caused
enough
trouble and been brutally enough put down by the local yeomanry that
no town
would host this Michaelmas meeting - but a humble cornfield was all
that
was required, as was not a mere stable the place where our Lord Jesus
Christ
was born? Those brave and study Knights Templar who accompany Dame
Lilith
were strengthened by the power of the Archangel, growing visibly
stronger
and more capable as the holy light poured into them. This
correspondent
has seen the light, and laid aside his earlier lukewarm
Christianity.
He offers his resignation as Bishop of Exeter, should His
Grace
the Archbishop wish it, and joins happily on Dame Lilith's crusade,
than
which there is no holier cause in our day. (by our Religious
correspondent)
SITUATIONS
VACANT The Times seeks a new Religious Correspondent, after
the
previous incumbent's resignation without notice to join Miss Lilith
Fair's
crusade. Salary and hours negotiable. Strong religious faith will
definitely
count against applicants this year, hardened cynics and atheists
preferred.
COME
TO HULME! Not just cheap and efficient, but clean, healthy
and
bright
- you too could live in Victoria Towers, the vertical neighbourhood.
Plenty
of space to hang out your washing, good schools for the children,
and
a job for hubby. (an advertisement in the People's Friend magazine)
ITALY
FINDS THE PATH The Continental Pathfinders have set up in Tuscany
and
Southern Italy, with a rather strong anti-Levitican flavour to them.
What
with this and the incessant newspaper campaign against the Leviticans,
support
for the witchfinders is waning in this their heartland, even as
they
continue to grow in France, Portugal, Spain and Croatia.
THUGS
STRIKE The anti-heresy thugs who have been making life such
a
misery
in London for any of unorthodox religious beliefs seem to have
broadened
their remit to a political one, with an Equity Party public
address
being broken up violently at Speaker's Corner.
SLASHER
CONTINUES The infamous 'Jim the Slasher' still plagues London,
killing
another five victims this year, all women who were carrying steam
alarms
but for some reason did not use them. With the vigilante Sabre quiet
all
year, what chance is there of the Slasher being caught? Surely it is
time
for the ineffective Lord Chelmsford to be replaced as Home Secretary,
with
organized crime in London also on the up, and several other
unfortunates
being fdound totally drained of blood.
PLAGUE
SPREADS The bubonic plague noted in the North Yorkshire town
of
Whitby
last year has now spread throughout the county, and medical services
in the
region are severely overstretched. There have been several thousand
deaths,
yet not a single member of the Government or other prominent
citizen
seems to be paying the epidemic the slightest notice. What is wrong
with
Britain today? (by our Health correspondent)
GANG
WAR IN PARIS The Parisian mobs have taken advantage of the
political
turmoil
to move to all-out war. An unholy alliance between the Union Corse
and
the 'Steam Mafia' have seen the third force, the gang controlled by the
woman
known as 'La Duchesse', driven onto the back foot, with the corrupt
French
judiciary seeming eager to act against them rather than the other
parties.
With luck General Joffre will do something about the nest of
vipers
in his capital.