Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?"
"Don't you fucking start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then."

 A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampax for £1
She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager "is
this deal correct?"
"Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly
"It's true, straight up no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's fucking heavy."

Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.
"What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
"Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head" replies the Doc.
"How the bloody hell will that help?"
"Easy", replies the Doc, "When the chocolate cools it should come
out a Treat....."

There were two church-going women gossiping in front of a store
when a cowboy rode up.  He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around
behind his horse and slapped his mouth full on its rectum.
One of the stunned women cried: "That's disgusting, why did you do
that?" to which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them feel better?".
"No," said the cowboy, "but it stops me from licking them."