Quotes from interviews that Ali G has done
on Channel 4's
11 O'Clock Show.......
George Paton Orange Lodge Grandmaster in
N Ireland...
Ali : When you is on your marches is there
music?
George : There is lots of music.
Ali : Is you knocking out a drum and bass
sound or is it more speed garage?
George : *pause* Er, different drummers
have different styles. Ali : Do you
not think you should use a bit of human
beat box? Then people could really
chill.
Ali : Would you ever marry a protestant
girl?
George : Perhaps.
Ali : Well that is a good gesture, no. Wot
about marrying a Catholic girl?
George : Possibly because of my faith I
would not.
Ali : But what if she was fit?
George : Again, because of my religion,
no.
Ali : But what if she had her own car, AND
sound system and she wasn't gonna
be stealing money off you all the time.
Would you marry 'er then?
George : I think I could be friends with
Catholics.
Ali : Bu could you get giggy with them?
George : It's hard for some people to understand,
but because of my faith,
no.
Ali : But what if they woz really, really
fit?
George : NO.
Ali : Wot about the band the Corrs? Would
you marry them?
George : NO!
Ali : So you is telling me that if they
walked in 'ere now and asked you to
marry them you wouldn't.
George : Because of my faith, no.
Ali : All three of them.
George : NO.
Ali : So you really believe this stuff then!
Talking to Sue Ramsey. A member of the assembly
of Sinn Fein...
Ali : Wot is it the language that they speak
'ere?
Sue : Gaelic.
Ali : GAY-LICK? What is that botty language
or somfin, what is the real name
of it?
Ali : What is the vibe with drugs in Ireland?
It might be stereotyping or
whatever man but I is heard that the Irish
is always up for the crack.
Sue : No, no. Crack in Ireland means having
a good time. Ali : A'ight, for
real but crack is a bad drug there is a
high but also a low.
Talking to the Lord Mayor of Ireland...
Ali : Me don't know what going on 'ere.
Mayor : Well there are some people in Ireland
who want to become a part the
United Ireland and then there are people
who would like to become a part of
United Kingdom.
Ali : And where does Wogan stand? Is he
in the IRA?
Censorship with James Thurman...
Ali : That has got to be the best job no?
Watching porno all day. I mean
you've been doing it for 25 years man and
surly no one can keep it hard for
that long?
Ali : Why did they ban The Chocolate Orange?
James : Clockwork Orange.
Ali : Whatever.
Ali : Do you not think that the category
18 is too vague. Do you not think
that you should 'av a category that guarantees
you muff?
Ali : What swear words make an 18. Is flange
an 18?
James : What is flange?
Ali : It's a word for the punani. What about
virgina? Does that
make it an 18 coz that is the most
dirty word man. That makes it sound
'orrible.
Tony Benn
Ali : Why do they call it the welfare state?
Is it coz it is well fair?
Ali : Unemployment benefit is wicked no,
coz you get money for doing
nothing, just chilling.
Ali : Me want to work when me want to work.
Most of the time me want to just
chill or whatever, or just hang with me
beetches.
Ali : The good thing about electing celebrities
is that you know what day is
like, ufferwise you get the MP's and then
you find out that after a year
that they is like, you know sleeping with
horses or whatever.
Judge Pickles and Law...
Ali : When can you murder someone?
Pickles : Well that's really a nonsensical
question if I may say so because
if you are entitled to kill somebody it's
not murder. Ali : OK, but can you
murder someone if someone, lets say called
your mum a slag, diss your mama?
.. If they call your mum a slag, you ring
up the police, the police 'aint
gonna do nothing, you know they laugh at
you.
Pickles : It depends I suppose, if you called
my mother a slag and I then
killed you, provocation can reduce murder
to manslaughter, Ali : So where's
the line then? If they call her slag - manslaughter,
if they call her bitch
- is that murder?
Ali : Do you think women should be on juries?
Pickles : Oh yes, of course.
Ali : What about when they got the painters
in?
Pickles : I'm sorry?
Ali : What about when it's rag week? How
can they be thinking
straight, serious! Serious, my woman, she
doesn't know what's going on,
guilty
* everyone
is guilty when it's her time, everyone is guilty, I do
something small - GUILTY! You should be
chopped, whatever. Pickles : I
don't honestly think you could start asking
people intimate questions and
say "no, you can't do this." Ali : Exactly,
this is why you should not have
women on juries.
Education with Rhodes Boyson...
Ali : What is education.
Rhodes : Education is basic literacy and
numeracy.
Ali : And what is they?
Ali : What do you reckon about the Maffs.
Rhodes : What, the Maths?
Ali : Ayyy. Do you rate tha Maffs or do
you rock tha Maffs?
Rhodes : What is the Maffs?
Ali : You know. One, two, three or whatever.
Rhodes : I see, yes.
Ali : Well why don't they teach propa Maffs
in schools?
Rhodes : What do you mean by propa Maths?
Ali : Instead of teaching kilos and grams,
why don't the teach ounces,
quarters and eighths?
Rhodes : Yes, I mean in baking you need
to know those terms.
Ali : Ayyy, for real. Me know baking.
Rhodes : I bake my own breakfast every morning.
Ali : Ayyy. An me make ME
own breakfast an all. I mean who ever bought
a kilo of anything man. Except
me mate Dave but he's gone down now.
Ali : Do you think we should have mixed
schools?
Rhodes : I think that everyone should have
the choice. Ali : Do you not
think that in mixed schools, all the boyz
will spend all their time chasing
muff, and all the girls spend all their
time preparing their muff?
Ali : Well me, me got an A+ in punani but
me fail me exams coz me spend all
me time chasing the kitty.
Rhodes : Well that's your fault.
Rhodes : I think, overall, single sex schools
perform better than mixed
ones.
Ali : But do you not think that single sex
girls schools bread, well, people
who drink from the furry cup?
Rhodes : Well never having drunk from the
furry cup one doesn't know what
liquor is kept in it.
Ali : Well you know them girls who drink
from the furry cup, also, eat from
the bushy plate. You know what I is getting
at?
Ali : Do you think sex education should
be taught in schools?
Rhodes : No, it should be taught within
the family.
Ali : Do you think that porn stars should
teach the kids?
Rhodes : No
Ali : Why not?
Rhodes : I do not respect them.
Ali : But they has had more experience than
anyone, man. Someone who has had
a four header will no how to cope with any
situation.
Ali : Well you have shown that, Education
should be spread throughout the
nation, if we want to get into the space
station. Wicked, reespect,
boyaka-sha, big up.
The Bishop of Corsham...
Ali : Jesus. Does he really have a beard?
Bish : Not necessarily.
Ali : Is he a man or a woman?
Bish : He's neither a man nor woman.
Ali : Wot?you mean he's a ladyman?
Ali : But wot has god ever done.
Bish : He made the world.
Ali : Wot he made the world?
Bish : Yes.
Ali : Did he?
Bish : I can only tell you what I believe.
Ali : So you saying god made the world?
And since then he's just chilled.
Ali : What about the Virgin Mary? Is she
really a virgin?
Bish : Yes.
Ali : Was she really?
Bish : I believe she was. She found herself
pregnant. Ali : But me know
girls who also find themselves pregnant.
There muffa's say wotz been
'appening 'ere. They say "listen, you been
mucking about? 'Ave you been
drunk maybe? Don't lie to me."
Talking to James Whittaker about Princess
Di...
Ali : Why was she nobbing that Pakistani?
James: He wasn't a Pakistani he was an Egyptian.
Ali : A'ight...
James : She fell in love with him and she
had a summer romance.
Ali : Will Carr-mella ever be queen?
James : Camilla?
Ali : A'ight Carr-mella.
James : I think she will.
Ali : Do you think that a lot of the objection
to Camilla is because she is
so minging?
James : So *what*?
Ali : So minging.
James : What does minging mean?
Ali : Her face is very.. ugly. NO me didn't
wanna say that.. she's RANK.
She's rank.
James : Most women in this country...
Ali : A'ight - are a bit dodgy.
James : Well no, being compared to Diana
who was a very beautiful...
Ali : She was tasty.
James : Very tasty - so you put anybody
up against Diana and it's a wee bit
of a problem. She is also a very fit woman.
She rides well - Ali : She 'aint
fit man!
James : No this isn't Diana I understand
Prince Charles as well - Ali : But
she look like Rod Hull.
<laughs
Ali : She does man.. what do you think about
Fergie?
James : I think she is a... decent person
-
Ali : Did they not find pictures of her
sucking someone's nob or something?
James : No they wouldn't find pictures like
that - you're referring to
sucking someone's toes or having her toes
sucked... Ali : A'ight but they
used the word toe.. they used the word toe
James : NO.. er watch it...
naughty!
Women
Ali : Boyaka-sha. Check dis. Today we is
talking about the women. I is with
none other than Sue Leetch. She be none
other than director of the centre
for gender research and we is going to talking
about ladies. Now, one in
two people in the country is "a women",
so we has got to know about this.
Women. They is important aren't they?
Sue : They indeed are, very
important, as important as men.
Ali : Which is better? Man or Woman?
Sue : Well equality is not about who is
better.
Ali : But which one is better? But one must
be just a little bit better.
Sue : In what way?
Ali : Like, in the way that somefin is worse
and somfin is better.
Ali : Do you think there will ever be a
female Prime Minister?
Sue : There has been one.
Ali : Who?
Sue : Mrs. Thatcher.
Ali : Yeah but she wasn't a real Prime Minister.
Do you think they'll ever
let another one slip through?
Ali : Do you think that a women should be
able to 'av any job?
Sue : I think so yeah.
Ali : Yeah, but would you feel safe thought
if you new a women was flying
your plane.
Sue : Would you feel safe then? Do you feel
safe being driven by a women?
Ali : Nope. Would you not be scared though
that she might start nattering or
what ever or start finking about fings and
then forget to fly the plane, and
get angry with somebody?
Ali : A lot of boys me know are trying to
get their girlfriend to try a bit
of feminism, do you think that if right?
Sue : Yeah I do actually I think it's a
good thing. Ali : Do you think all
girls should try feminism at least once?
Do you think it's right that they
should try it when they is drunk at a party
or what ever with one of their
mates?
Sue : What is trying feminism?
Ali : You know try a bit of feminism and
when they is sober wake up in the
morning and get back with their boyfriend?
Sue : What do you mean?
Ali : When they kiss a women.
Ali : Me uncle Jamal say that he is tri-sexual.
That he will try anything
that is sexual. What does that mean?
Sue : There are a lot of people who would
like to have sexual relationships
with men and women.
Ali : So you think that he is saying that
he is having it with blokes?
Sue : Yes.
Ali : Ayyy?
Sue : It would suggest that or that he is
interested in it, but maybe not
done it. It depends what done it means.
Ali : So you fink my uncle Jamal is a botty
boy?
Sue : I don't think he is a botty boy but...
Ali : So you think that he just like it
in both pipes?
Sue : Not necessarily.
Ali : So you think that it is a joke? Coz
he is a joker. Coz if you call him
that to his face he'd probably kill ya.